remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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