I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
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