I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
