Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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