What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
