i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
