We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
