Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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