maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
