booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
