You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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