So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My liver just had a heart attack.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
