ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
