Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
