I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
