Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
