Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Mom said you looked used
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
