I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
