Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
