her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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