I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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