just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
