The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
