This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
