tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
