he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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