Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
