hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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