Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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