Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
