I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
this is an emotional support booty call
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
