Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
