Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
