First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
