I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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