Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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