I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
