Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
