He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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