Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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