The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
