I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
