I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
