I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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