I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize