thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
