I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
