when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
