I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
