I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
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