I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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