it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
