Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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