I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
