I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
