I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
