Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
