I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
