Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
