My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
