Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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